New Adoptions!

With the excitement of new adoptions happening, or in the process of happening, at NorthPointe, I wanted to take a few minutes and share from a book about those first few days, weeks, and months as an adoptive family.  This is important stuff for not only the adoptive family to remember, but also for the friends, extended family, teachers, pastors, etc. to remember as well. 

TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR ADOPTED CHILD ADJUST TO A NEW HOME

 

1. Clear your calendar: Be careful not to consider the arrival of your newly adopted child as clearance to return to your normally hectic schedule.  Take time and allow the child to familiarize himself with you.
2. Establish yourself as the primary caregiver: At the onset, at least for the first month if at all possible, it's best to limit the circle of care to only parents.  There will be plenty of time to introduce your newest family member to other adults.
3. Don't underestimate the power of soothing music.
4. If possible, consult with the previous caregiver.
5. Establish your home as a place of grace: Regardless of how well you plan and how many experts you consult with, transitioning a child into a new home can still be a volatile and unpredictable season of great challenge.  Do the best you can and prepare yourself for the inevitablility of falling short from time to time. 
6. For an older child, they are likely to be more observant to the physical and practical order of the home. Be very deliberate about making the new child feel welcome and avoid signs of favortism.
7. Consult with an older child on his or her room decor.  Involve them in as many personal decisions as you can.
8. Don't necessarily expect a 13 year old adopted child to act like a typical child of his or her age.  It's not uncommon for an older adopted child to be developmentally challenged.  Be prepared to expect the unexpected.

 

PROMOTING HEALTHY ATTACHMENT IN ADOPTED CHILDREN

 

1. Skin to skin time (with babies)
2. Minimize stress or chaos in the home
3. Provide a calm and nurturing environment
4. Be vigilant to follow through with promises or stated intentions as you build a relationship of trust and hope
5. Incorporate soft music and soft lights in the home
6. Minimize the number of visitors coming to the home; while everyone is excited about your new member, you need time to bond and too many adults in the child's life makes that process confusing
7. Keep the child at home as much as possible, to make the schedule predictable and calm
8. Quanity of time does matter-it is important to spend a lot of time with your new child.  He or she needs you to be established as the primary caregiver in his or her life
9. Begin to take on the role of protector and keep your child safe
10. Pray and trust God to equip you with the wisdom you need to do what is best for your particular child
11. Realize that you are building the template for future relationships that the child will have

 

FOUR STAGES OF ADOPTION

1. The Honeymoon Period:  The new family member has arrived.  Your new child will explore this new environment, but in a very timid fashion.  Each of your children will be sensitive to interactions and more attuned to this new child's behavior during the first few weeks after he comes home.  You will not see many issues during this time frame.  Everything is new and interesting to everyone in the family.  This period can last anywhere from two to eight weeks.
2. The Settling-in Period:  From the beginning, it is vital to schedule a routine.  Basic rules around the house need to be communicated verbally.  It's important that you watch everyone's body language and facial expressions during this time.  Your new child may give you key nonverbal cues that something is amiss.  Past memories, missing friends, homesickness, and reality of this new world slowly sinks in, and grief begins to rise to the surface.  Your other children will no doubt spend less time with the child as the newness of the family change starts to dissipate.  This stage usually lasts for another two to eight weeks.
3. The Testing Period:  This can be a critical stage of integration of your new family member.  One to three months have gone by, and specific issues cannot help but rise to the surface.  During this period, it's critical that you watch when your are spending your time.  Am I favoring one child over another?  Am I disciplining fairly?  It's important to find a private spot to talk to the child who objects during this period.  Let you child express himself and discuss openly why she is feeling this way. 
4. "I'm more a part of the family than not" Stage: This stage develops over time as your child gains more of his identity as "a member of your family" and less as "a person living in your home".  This stage doesn't follow the testing stage because...guess what...the testing stage never ends!  While age is always a factor, some keys to identifying this stage include:

• The ease at which the new child gives mom or dad a hug when she sees them
• Lack (or drastic reduction) of overt manipulation by the child to get her way
• Sharing with other children in the home
• Ability to celebrate other children's birthdays or successes-to see them as separate and good and not as a deprivation or slight against the adopted child.
• You find that you do not have to engage in every little argument or conflict that arises during the day and that the children start to work it out themselves

HOPE FOR PARENTS

 

As Christian parents, we have a significant, life-changing resource in the presence of the Holy Spirit.  As promised by the Lord Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit brings peace-He is the one who provides a defense against the current stressors of life and the power of past trauma events.  As parents, you can learn and invest all that you can for your child to be healthy and whole.  But the Lord alone can reach into the depths of your child's heart and psyche where no one else can reach and bring healing.  Remember the wise wordes of James 1:4, "Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  That verse encapsulates the parenting process: Endure. Trust. Relate. Grow. Enjoy.  Sow the seeds of attachment and you will reap the harvest of a meaningful and peaceful relationship with your child.

 

 

*Taken from the Focus on the Family book "Thriving as an Adoptive Family"